feeling 22
At the end of my freshman year of college, I wrote a post on my Facebook detailing how much that first year of college changed me. I honestly forgot about it until this week, less than two weeks away from completing my degree, entering adulthood (officially), and wrapping up these last four years of my life. This is how that post began:
I was sitting in my car, my entire family loaded up, waiting on my pizza to be made. No one was talking - there was too much to say in such a short amount of time. My pizza was finally ready – I parked my car. We slowly made our way to the breezeway at the bottom of my dormitory tower. It was then that I made eye contact with my family for the first time that day, tears in all of our eyes as we realized this was it - this was the moment we had been waiting for & dreading. I sobbed. I wasn’t ready for a life outside of my childhood home, a state away from everything I had ever known. I mean, whose idea was it to send someone off into the real world so quickly?
We hugged. “When we walk away, don’t look back.” I did anyways. But all that was left was me, my pizza & the fear of what the next nine months of my life would be like.
And somehow, in some bittersweet way, little ‘ol 18-, 19-year old me echoed my exact thoughts as a 22-year-old:
Whose idea was it to send someone off into the real world so quickly?
High School Diploma, June 2018
B.A. in Journalism - Public Relations, April 2022
As I look back on who I was when I wrote that, I can’t help but think about how much I thought I knew. As Taylor Swift put it, “How can a person know everything at 18, and nothing at 22?” What I thought was the “real world” was just the prologue. I hadn’t even began the first chapter of the book, and yet I thought I had learned every life lesson, gained every experience. I thought I knew who I was and what would become of me, and in typical Cassie/Claire fashion, I was wrong.
Trying to put into words what those last nine months have been like is difficult. Do I mention the time I overslept and missed a class on the first week of school? Or do I write about going to OKC to get my ears pierced (against my mom’s wishes)? Or when I went to Hideaway Pizza five times in one week? Or the time I drove across an entire state to meet up with my friends from a random art history class?
Trying to put into words what these last four years have been like is difficult. Do I mention the time I fell down the Jenkins Parking Garage’s stairwell? Or do I write about moving out of my sorority house in the midst of an unprecedented global pandemic? Or when I brought in a competitor’s coffee cup on the first day of my corporate internship? Or the time I found inner peace on a South Carolina beach after intense heartbreak?
I remember in my senior year of high school dreaming about what college life would look like. My Google search history had “how long does it take for a city to feel like home?” (~3 months, but for me, 3 years), “what settings do I use to wash my laundry?” (cold if it has stains, tumble dry low), and “how do I know if I chose the right major?” (you’ll know after the third major switch). I thought “Fifteen” by Taylor Swift hit hard then, but you can’t imagine what it’s like to change any instance of “fifteen” to “eighteen” and try listening to it at 22.
Count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you’re gonna be - at eighteen.
2018 Bid Day w/ Emma
2021 Bid Day w/ Emma
I came into college wanting to prove myself to the world. Ever since I was little, even playing on the playground, I constantly thought that once I grew up and became a “big kid” then people would finally start taking me seriously. I had so much pent-up frustration at never being cast in lead roles in theatre, not being asked to senior prom, not having all the academic regalia my friends had at high school graduation. As 19-year-old me said:
I was ready for a fresh start…but it was nerve-racking to start a new chapter away from the life I had known for the past eighteen years.
As I imagine baby 18-year-old me try navigating her freshman year of college, I find myself feeling retroactively nervous. I can only imagine that’s how my family felt, leaving me with my pizza at the bottom of my dorm tower. I just want to take 18-year-old me, sit her down, and tell her everything to watch out for in these next four years. I want to save myself from the heartbreak, the pain, the many awful cry sessions on the bathroom floor.
But I can’t, because that little baby freshman girl is me.
In therapy a month ago, I found myself angrily crying at the thought of graduation. When my therapist asked me why I was angry, I said something along the lines of - “It’s cruel and sick that the minute you figure out who you are, how to ‘adult’ effectively, how to essentially do college ‘correctly,’ it’s already too late. Your time in college is already near its end.” How on earth does college go by so damn quickly? It doesn’t feel fair.
OU gave me a lot of things, from steadfast friendships to the all-you-can-eat Chick-fil-a buffet, but it most importantly gave me peace with myself. From running in a thunderstorm down the South Oval, pomping the G Phi homecoming float until 1 a.m., to screaming OU’s Chant outside the dorms with the entire Pride band:
My life has been repainted with such vivid color it’s at times hard to focus on all the beauty that has waltzed into my life.
OU gave me a lot of things, from finding my soul sister to amazing Thai food, but it most importantly gave me the opportunity to find out who I am. From blasting Lights in my sorority room with my fellow die-hard fan + roomie, to winning Homecoming 3 times in a row, to bringing that same soul sister as my favorite sorority formal date -
My very first picture with Brookelinn (we barely knew each other), September 2018
My most recent rendition of our iconic pose (now Brookelinn knows all of my secrets and my SSN), February 2022
My life has been repainted with such vivid color and clarity it’s at times hard to focus and appreciate all the beauty and true peace that has waltzed into my life.
I know I will look back on this post years down the road and think to myself, “If only you knew how much more you have to learn!!!!!” but for at least right now, a week out from graduation, I can appreciate where I was four years ago (an incredibly anxious, unauthentic version of myself) to now (slightly less anxious, but much more confident in who I am).
I began this new season with the motto in mind, “It’s your favorite year you’d never want to relive.” I’m so thankful for where this new chapter has taken me, and although I’m dually thankful I won’t have to live in a dorm anymore -
Oh what a beautiful and favorite year of mine this has been.
I began this new season with the motto in mind, “It’s the best four years of your life.” While I’m sure there will be amazing years ahead of me, at least in my 22 years of life experience, these past four years has been the most fundamental whirlwind of my life. I’m endlessly thankful for where this prologue of the real world has taken me, and although I’m dually thankful I won’t ever have to pay for a commuter parking pass anymore -
Oh what a beautiful and favorite four years of mine this has been.
GPHI/Rush Gaylord/Boomer forever and ever and ever.
Wondering if I chose the right university, April 2018
I chose right, and would choose it again and again. April 2022